Premiership Preview – As seen on TV

September 10, 2010 — by John Lally

Sir Tony admiring his horse?

A preview of this week’s Premiership fixtures coming up, just as soon as I add some shows to my Netflix queue…

Everton vs Man United (Saturday 7:45 ET)

The game: Rooney returns to the club where he started his career; I can’t wait to hear what the Everton fans sing at him…

If these teams were TV Shows:

Everton – Lost – a couple of their main characters are of interest (Arteta, Cahill, Jack, Locke) but you get the feeling they’re ultimately going nowhere.

Man United – The Sopranos – with Alex Ferguson as Tony: a ruthless leader, feared and respected by his men – both had unsuccesful stints as racehorse owners (though at least Rock of Gibraltar didn’t have the same fiery fate as Pie-O-My)

The Prediction: Everton just aren’t good enough this season – 2-0 United

Arsenal vs Bolton

The game: With Jussi Jaaskleainen suspended, Bolton keeper Adam Bogdan will have a baptism of fire in his first Premier League start, facing a rampant Arsenal attack.

If these teams were TV Shows:

Arsenal – Dexter – ruthless killers who have a certain style about them that you end up reluctantly admiring. The big difference being that Dexter Morgan has collected lots of trophies in his last four seasons…

Bolton – The Tudors – from just hearing the name I assume I won’t enjoy watching them but, under Owen Coyle, Bolton, like The Tudors, are surprisingly entertaining – I’m just not a fan.

The Prediction: Arsenal to win at a canter, and Henry XVIII to be outlived by his sixth wife…

Fulham vs Wolves

The Game: Fulham are still looking for their first win of the season having drawn all three games so far. Wolves are also unbeaten and will be looking for a point at Craven Cottage.

If these teams were TV Shows:

Fulham – The West Wing – in a Utopian World, politics would work like it does in The West Wing and all clubs would be run like Fulham

Wolves – The Muppet Show – just because Mick McCarthy looks like Sam the Eagle…

The Prediction: Fulham held to a surprising 1-1 draw

Manchester City vs Blackburn

The Game: A Lancashire derby that could be a real battle. If they have pretentions of Champions’ League qualification, this is exactly the sort of game City need to win.

If these teams were TV Shows:

Man City – Glee – ridiculously overhyped in the last year and there’s no chance of me ever being a fan of either of them

Blackburn – Band of Brothers – Like every Sam Allardyce team, every time Blackburn go out now they’re ready for war.

The Prediction: Man City will flatter to deceive this year but will win this game 3-1

Newcastle vs Blackpool

The Game: Two of the newly promoted sides square off in the top flight, Newcastle’s last home game they won 6-0, Blackpool suffered the same size defeat in their last away game.

If these teams were TV Shows:

Newcastle – Friends – briefly entertaining in the 90s but both long outstayed their welcome.  This return to the Premier League for the Toon Army might be an ominous sign of a forthcoming “Friends Reunion” film

Blackpool – Flash Forward – because when you see them once, you know they can only last for one season.

The Prediction: Newcastle 3 Blackpool 0

Have you been touching my tiny furniture?

West Brom vs Tottenham

The Game: Spurs will be without Defoe and Dawson for two months and have their first Champions’ League game on Tuesday, away to Werder Bremen.  Always a tough fixture, though we won 3-2 in 2003 for my one trip to the Hawthorns, West Brom will be looking for at least a point from this match

If these teams were TV Shows:

West Brom – Entourage – both look good one year, then drop down again the next.

Tottenham – The Wire – there was no way they could be anything else (although I did consider Mad Men, seeing as Tottenham were only good in the 60s) but my favourite team and favourite TV show of all time is the perfect synergy. I could write a whole article about the parallels of the two (and when I say “could”, I mean “will”) but the clearest one is that both break the hearts of their fans towards the end of each season but somehow get our hopes up time and again

The Prediction: West Brom 1 Tottenham 2. Unless George Pelecanos is writing the script for this one.

West Ham vs Chelsea

The Game: A London derby that tends to be feisty but has been very one sided of late. Chelsea have won all three of their games and are yet to concede a goal, West Ham are yet to pick up any points. This will get messy.

If these teams were TV Shows:

West Ham – Six Feet Under – because they’re already dead and buried

Chelsea – Sons of Anarchy – both have a really detestable leading character (John Terry and Clay) and Lampard kisses his badge with as much pride as the members of Sam Crow wear their leathers.

The Prediction: Chelsea to win but finally concede – 3-1

Wigan vs Sunderland

The Game: Fresh from beating Tottenham, Wigan take on Sunderland in a game that, let’s be honest, nobodywants to watch

If these teams were TV Shows:

Wigan – The Biggest Loser – after 8-0, 4-0 and 6-0 games they’ve earned this title, even if it’s just sour grapes from me for them beating Spurs

Sunderland – Treme – just like many of the actors from The Wire ended up at Treme, so have a lot of Tottenham players moved to Sunderland.

The Prediction: Wigan 1 Sunderland 3. Attendance < 20,000

Birmingham vs Liverpool (Sunday 11am ET)

The Game: In their last away game, Liverpool got soundly beaten by Man City. Here they face a Birmingham team who tough to play at St. Andrew’s.

If these teams were TV Shows:

Birmingham – American Idol/Pop Idol etc – a trip to Birmingham is much like standing in front of Simon Cowell – not for the feint at heart. Also, I never watch them.

Liverpool – The Office – used to be proudly English and undeniably great, now they’re best known for becoming entirely predictable and American owned (Seasons 2&3 of The US Office were great though).

The Prediction: Birmingham 1 Liverpool 0

Stoke vs Aston Villa (Monday 3pm ET)

The Game: Gerard Houllier’s return to English football sees 4th place Villa face a tricky away game at Stoke.  Last season The Potters were tough to beat at home and will be fired up having not yet won a point in any of their three games.

If these teams were TV Shows:

Stoke – Deadwood – after three good seasons, they will suddenly disappear and everyone will wonder what happened to them. Maybe they’ll make a movie about Stoke…

Aston Villa – Only Fools and Horses – been good for a long time, but back in the 80s they were among the elite.

The Prediction: You don’t lose 6-0 at Newcastle if you’re any good – Stoke to win 2-1

All games with no times listed are at 10am ET Saturday. Come on you Spurs!