By now we can all recognize that Manuel Neuer, that strapping ideal of aryan idealism, is awesome. He may have let the Champions league trophy slip through his fingers last month, but not for lack of scoring a PK and saving a couple in the shootout.
Today, while ensuring his goal was mostly unpenetrated, he came out to collect the ball around the 25 yard mark and swing play to the opposite flank. “Why, those are the duties of an old fashioned sweeper!” I hear you saying. But these skills, and surely more, have been mastered by the German batter-awayer of balls flying toward his face.
What has made this young man so outstanding? Perhaps it’s the time he put in on training grounds at Schalke before his big move to Bayern? Or maybe it has more to do with his formative years spent at the Gesamtschule Berger Feld (whose most recent other famous footballing graduate is Mezut Özil – a man you’re sure to know after he won a prestigious Bambi award for excellence in integrating his Turkish self into German society).
But it seems even more likely that Manuel Neuer, that giant of giants, that leaping monster of man, receives his power from an eternal and supernatural source. That’s right people, Neuer has tapped the earth energies that were surely uncovered by the Bavarian illuminati at the turn of the nineteenth century. I wouldn’t be surprised if his DNA had been honed in a Mendel-style bean-crossing experiment for the last 10 generations.
Where’s the proof, you ask? Why just look at this YouTube video that reeks of validity. You can practically see the Eye of Providence emerging in the space between Neuer’s hands.